3 ways to find happiness: And why there is no "should" in life

7 years ago, I moved 3,000 miles from the east coast of the US, to the west coast. I was chasing something.

Now, I'm making the move back, because I found what I was looking for: Happiness. I'd like to share how I uncovered it, so that you can too.

When I look back at the young woman that I was 7 years ago, I have so much compassion for her. She was told that her life would go a certain way. She was fed a fairy tale, believing that she would settle down, have a family, live a comfortable life with a great paying job, and that she would be happy. As a matter of fact, she was told that these were the ingredients to achieving happiness. And when life didn't work out that way, she went looking for happiness somewhere else.

Back then, I may have been searching for happiness, but what I realize now is that I was actually searching for myself. I didn't fully know myself - who I was, or what I wanted. I knew what I was told I should want, and who I was expected to be. But there was a part of me that didn't fully accept those limitations. And if you're here, then maybe there is a part of you that rejects them as well.

It might sound cliche to say that I had to "find myself", but it's true. And what I've come to realize 7 years later, is that the happiest life is actually the one that feels the most authentic to you. And that will for sure look different than what you've been told you should want in order to be happy. What I have also realized about living my authentic life, is that it was never really about finding myself at all. Rather, it was about coming home to my true self. What does that mean? It means stripping away all of the programming that I was taught about how life "should" be, in service of designing a life that was truly me.

This was not the easy path. I'll share more on that soon. But it has absolutely been the most fulfilling one. For now, I'd like to share some of the lessons that I learned on my journey towards living my happiest and most authentic life, so that you can too.

1. Look for happiness internally, not externally.

For so long, unconsciously, I was looking for happiness in my external circumstances.

If you're wondering if this is you, then first consider how much you identify with your external circumstances. For example, what would you say if someone genuinely asked you, "Who are you?". Beyond your name, would you respond with your job title or your role as a mother or partner? If so, what if you were then challenged that these are just things about you, they are not who you are. What would you say then?

If you identify strongly with your career, relationships, family roles, or even your hobbies, residence, or life experiences, these are beautiful parts of your life, but they are not who you are. They are default descriptions when you are not actually sure of who you are. So how do you figure it out?

Years ago, when I began my self-discovery journey, I started to ask myself this question almost daily. In particular, during moments of conflict or when I felt anxious. I remember one situation where I felt justifiably hurt by something that transpired between me and a family member. I shut down. And although my pain was real and valid, I also acknowledged that I could have shown up differently too. In asking myself this question, "What kind of person do I want to be?", I decided that I want to be the kind of person that takes accountability and that tries to have an empathetic and constructive conversation, instead of blaming. I called them back and we ended up having a much better conversation.

For me, this conversation wasn't about resolving the conflict. Nor was it about appeasing the other person. It was about showing up in a way where I could be proud of my actions and decisions. I knew that I couldn't control the other person's actions and decisions, but I could control my own. And as long as I showed up in a way that I was proud of, then I could move on in peace, whether the conversation went well or not.

The best part is, the more that I made decisions that aligned with who I wanted to be, the more that I became her. And as I became her, the prouder I became of myself, and even more importantly, the more that I trusted myself. In the process of becoming her though, this question gave me space to acknowledge that I might not be her yet, but that I have a chance to get closer to being her. In moments when I have the chance to take accountability, in moments when I have the chance to stand up for myself and others, and in moments when I encounter a moral dilemma, this question has been a guiding light.

By making consistently aligned decisions, I also got to know myself more and what really matters to me. This path wasn't about making decisions that other people would agree with, or that would present a particular image of me. It was about me, and who I wanted to be. In this journey, I got to know who I truly am. And as I slowly came back home to myself, I also started identifying more with who I am, rather than with what I have or what I have accomplished. This was the start of true happiness.

2. Remove all rules around happiness.

When I moved to San Francisco, it was the first time in my life that I felt like I "fit" somewhere. I loved the culture, the people, the weather, the lifestyle, all of it! And as I changed and grew as a person, it felt like I fit even more. It seemed like I finally found my forever home, and that felt great, for a while.

The problem is, I became so attached to living in California, and to what California and San Francisco represented to me, that I couldn't possibly imagine being happy anywhere else.

You can probably see why this is problematic. Rules put limitations on your happiness. And if there are limitations on your happiness, then are you truly happy? Or are you attached to something that you feel provides you happiness, because it validates you in some way?

I invite you to explore your own rules around happiness. Do you ever consciously or unconsciously think things like:

As long as I have x amount of money, I will be happy.

As long as I have a steady well-paying job, I will be happy.

As long as I am in this relationship, I will be happy.

As long as my kids are happy, I am happy.

And on and on and on... These rules might also look like sacrifices to your present happiness for your perceived future happiness. Internal messages like:

Once I get a different job, I will be happy.

Once I get that promotion, I will be happy.

Once we get a bigger house, I will be happy.

Once I have more time for x, I will be happy.

Now these rules are often not conscious thoughts. So you really have to get honest with yourself and reflect on your unconscious rules. Once you acknowledge your rules, then you can work on shifting them so that you can live a more authentically happy life. You must reprogram your brain and consciously choose new mindsets.

One of the best ways to do this is by using affirmations, like:

I can be happy even without x.

I don't have to wait for x to be happy.

My happiness is not dependent upon x.

My happiness is not conditional.

It's important to recognize that this kind of thinking is a symptom of perfectionism: you are looking for perfection in your life in order to be happy. And if this resonates, then perfectionism probably shows up in other areas of your life. Reflect on how else perfectionism shows up for you: in your work, your expectations of yourself and others, parenting, etc...where else can you show yourself compassion and grace? And then use affirmations to switch your mindset toward those things too.

You can use affirmations like:

I do not have to be perfect.

I do not expect perfection from myself.

I do not have to be a perfect partner/mother/etc.

It is ok not to say or do things perfectly.

You'll find a sense of freedom when you shed your rules. For me, in making the decision to move back to New York, leaving the place that has been my safety-net and my literal (yet conditional), "happy-place", I am choosing to trust in myself that I don't need any specific circumstance in order to be happy. I am happy. Period. The freedom in trusting that and throwing out the rules is something that I want for you too.

3. Reflect on who you were as a child, and return home to her.

As I started to uncover who I truly was, I realized that my personality was actually becoming more and more like it was when I was a child. When I was a child, I was very sweet, sensitive, loving and empathetic. Somewhere along the way, I built up walls to protect myself because showing up in the world in that way wasn't safe. Other people took advantage of me and abused me. So I changed.

I put on a mask that was not my own: I became close-minded and judgmental. The close-mindedness stemmed from the stories that I was told about how life should be, and the judgement stemmed from self-judgement towards all of the ways in which I was failing to live up to that image myself. I projected that pain onto other people, as well as onto myself. As I started to shed those layers of protection through my self-development journey, something interesting happened. I began to over-correct. I put on a new mask. I began caring way too much about what other people thought. I started to feel so much anxiety about whether I was doing things right and whether other people were judging me. I worried whether people would leave me, and I wondered whether I was actually capable of building a different life. If you ever worry about what other people think of you, then that may be a sign that you are wearing your own mask. If you ever get defensive or shut down during hard conversations, then that may be a sign that you are wearing a mask. If you feel the need to present your opinion loudly, or if you default to not sharing your opinion at all, then that is a sign that you are wearing a mask. If you feel anxious about people abandoning you or if you worry about their reactions to your choices, then my dear, you are wearing a mask. And if you are judgmental of others and of yourself, then you are indeed wearing a mask. So I invite you to take off your masks. Reflect on who you were as a child. Were you kind? Confident? Inclusive? Brave? Inquisitive? Nurturing? Creative? How have you masked her? You might not feel connected to her right now, but she is the purest form of you.

For those of you that are mothers, aunts, "aunties", etc., you have seen first-hand how children's natural personalities, preferences, and pensions for certain things start to reveal themselves as they age. Those things show you who they truly are in their purest form. You wouldn't want them to mask that, would you? Endeavor to honor them by encouraging them not to put on a mask, and by taking off your own as well. These days, I have returned to that loving and empathetic state of being. By leaning into my true self, I have uncovered my natural gifts that allow me to connect deeply with people, understand the pain and joys of life, and guide others on their journeys back to themselves.

Had I not connected back to who I truly am, I could not have become the coach that I am today. My gifts allow me to see things that others don't and to help others unlock their own potential.

When you lean into your own unique gifts and when you share them with others, you impact the world in a way that only you can. And at that point, you'll see that you are much more than a role you play or the things that you have. You have a deep and meaningful purpose that is completely aligned with your true self; the self that you naturally were as a child. In summary my dears, if you are looking to live a genuinely happier life, you might consider the following: 1. Look for happiness internally, not externally. Ask yourself "What kind of person do I want to be?", and then make aligned decisions towards becoming that person. 2. Remove any rules that you have around your happiness. Choose affirmations that will help you shift your mindset towards unconditional happiness and overcome perfectionism. 3. Reflect on who you were as a child. Take off any masks that you have put on since childhood so that you can live more authentically and uncover your natural gifts and true purpose. It is possible to live differently and to be happier. It just requires you to shed the "should's" and come back home to your true self. Your life doesn't have to look any particular way, it just has to be authentic to you.

If you are struggling to figure out how to get back to your true self, then reach out for a 30-minute discovery session! I'd love to guide you towards becoming her, and in the process, towards the deep happiness that you deserve.