Holidays can be hard when you are trying to set boundaries with family.
Tomorrow is Easter and many of us will feel the pressure to spend time with family, when family is not always the safe space that we want it to be.
If you don't feel like you can be your whole self with your family, if they criticize you, if they don't celebrate you, or if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them, the situation is toxic.
And if you are not quite at the place where you feel confident verbally and directly addressing family members about your boundaries, that's ok!
I encourage you to keep trying. And in the meantime, guess what?
Boundaries do not always have to be verbal and direct.
In fact, sometimes it is better if they are not, if you are dealing with people that are not safe spaces for you - and since you're reading this, I guarantee there are at least a few that fit that bill.
Most people that exhibit toxic behaviors do not realize that they are acting in a toxic way.
And it's not your job to inform them or to change them. Especially when it's more of a family culture problem.
Toxicity, which is actually unhealed trauma, very commonly runs widespread through families.
And because most people do not embark on deep healing journeys, the toxic culture will persist.
So for many people, it is best to create distance, for the good of your own mental health.
So here are 3 conflict-avoidant ways to set boundaries and create distance with your family, around holidays.
1. Make alternate plans.
Do your own thing.
Make other plans for the day either with yourself or with other people that you love and trust.
While you are going through this process of setting new boundaries, it is important to have other people in your life around, that lift you up.
You are not an island, so while you are making space in your life, look for people that share your values, to fill that space.
And most importantly, take the extra time and space you have, to learn about yourself and what you like and don't like - your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will ever have.
2. Keep communication short and to the point.
Communicating your plans should be kept simple, so as not to invite discussion or opinions.
State your decision as fact and leave it at that. In fact, texting may be the best way to communicate a decision, if you do not feel safe expressing yourself in-person or over the phone.
If you can, let people know of your decision in advance.
Don't feel bad about how you convey the news, your job is to protect you at all costs. You are not responsible for other people's reactions.
This is especially true if you have already tried to communicate difficult or sensitive things to certain family members, and they have already demonstrated an inability to show care or to seek repair.
3. Limit your time with them.
If you do decide to spend time with your family, then limit the time to whatever feels comfortable for you.
You don't have to spend hours with them.
Give yourself a specific amount of time that you will spend with them and then stick to that.
For example, you could limit time with them to one hour.
You don't have to explain why you are leaving, and if you want to say something, then just keep it vague and say that you have other plans.
Your life and your decisions are no one else's business, so don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation.
Lastly, know that it can be hard setting new boundaries and letting go of certain relationships, even if you know that they are unhealthy ones. So give yourself grace, this is not easy.
You will feel guilty at times, but guilt does not mean that you're making the wrong decision.
It means that you are a kind and compassionate person, who despite everything, really cares about your family.
And that's a beautiful quality.
But the litmus test is this: Do you feel relief at the thought of having less communication and less interaction with your family?
If the answer is yes, then it's time to start setting boundaries.
Molly is a Self-discovery & Transformation coach, helping women rediscover themselves and live a life that is authentic and fulfilling to them. She works with professional women and new moms in their 30’s, who feel lost and unmotivated, and guides them in finding their motivation, their inspiration, and building a life that they truly love.
For more mindset shifts to get to your fulfilling life, download my FREE Workshop “4 ways to feel inspired by your life again!” Because I know you don’t want to just live, you want to be present and happy while doing so.
Comments