“You’ve got to be your own best friend.”
You’ve heard that, haven’t you?
Me too.
And to be honest, I thought I was being a pretty good best friend to myself.
But it took going through one of the most anxiety-inducing years of my life (thank you 2023!), for me to really know that I’ve become my best friend.
I’d like to share with you how I got there.
Because if you’re wondering whether you’re there or not, you’re probably not. I don’t say that to be cruel, because I wondered for many years myself. But I want to help you knock off a few years, so that you can get there sooner.
Because becoming your own best friend really is the mark of self-confidence.
1. I gave myself grace first.
Oftentimes, as women, we default to people-pleasing.
We think of other people’s feelings and needs before our own, to our detriment.
So last year, I made a concerted effort to notice when I had the urge to: apologize; minimize my needs in service of someone else’s comfort; sacrifice my feelings for someone else’s feelings, smooth over any potential hurt feelings with a lighthearted text, and so on and so forth…
And then, I just didn’t. I didn’t do any of it.
I want you to start to notice when you have these urges too.
When you are afraid of disappointing someone; when you feel like someone might be upset with you; when you want to ask for something more or different but you’re scared.
Notice when you try to talk yourself out of it too. You might think things like: “It’s really not that important.” or “I can live with it.” or “I know they didn’t mean it.”
This is a recipe for self-betrayal. And it will lead to the opposite of self-confidence.
So think about how you can express yourself kindly.
Then, catch yourself right before you’re about to throw your needs and opinions under the bus for the sake of another’s comfort.
When you are about to say: “But it’s no big deal.” or “If you have time.” or “I’m sorry for being pushy.”
And then, just don’t.
Just leave it. Say nothing else.
Smile. Look away. Stare at them awkwardly. I don’t care what you do, just don’t say anything else.
It’s ok if someone else is hurt because you didn’t want to go to the family party.
It’s ok if you tried to express your feelings and someone mistook it for rudeness.
It’s ok if they don’t understand why you don’t feel like talking.
It’s all ok. Just leave it, you don’t have to explain.
And if I did I end up hurting someone else’s feelings, (and I for sure did!), then I gave myself grace first.
I tended to my feelings first.
If I expressed myself in a way that wasn’t perfect, I gave myself grace. I felt the disappointment in myself and the sadness at the outcome. And I reminded myself that I don’t have to be perfect.
I also reminded myself of the other person’s responsibility in the relationship. It’s not all my fault, and it’s not all on me. They also have accountability to take, and if they don’t, then you may want to reconsider the level of intimacy you share.
If I felt angry or hurt and needed to get the energy out of my body, I gave myself grace and danced it out, scribbled it out, punched a pillow, even head-banged to Slipknot! True story, and it was honestly healing.
Whatever I was feeling, I allowed myself to feel it, without judgement. In fact, I embraced the feelings, by affirming them. That brings me to my next point…
2. I talked to myself like a child.
“It’s ok baby girl, I know this is hard.”
“I know how hard you are trying.”
“I know sweetie, this is not what you hoped would happen.”
These are just some of the things that I have said out loud to myself.
So often, we rely on other people to be this compassionate voice for us. We want empathy and we want someone to see our pain. We want to know that we’re not invisible; that our pain matters.
The problem is that when we seek external compassion, we are still giving our power away- in the same way as if we were looking for external validation.
So we have to learn to speak to ourselves kindly in every situation.
That way, we become the empathy that we seek. And we rewire that inner critical voice, to an inner empathetic voice.
When hard emotions come up, like anger, resentment, disappointment, and shame, we can help our inner child navigate through it. It’s an opportunity for us to reparent ourselves in a compassionate and validating way.
So, I invite you to say to yourself:
“Of course you feel disappointed, you wanted this to work out. But you don’t have to be perfect.”
“Of course you are angry, this person has pushed your boundaries so many times, without apologizing.”
“Of course you are sad and overwhelmed, you didn’t expect this outcome. You are doing everything you can, and I’m proud of you”
Start speaking to your inner child because she needs you. It’s her that’s crying out to feel seen.
Don’t tell her that her feelings are “normal”, because that’s not her goal. Don’t tell her that it’s ok to feel sad or angry, because she knows logically that it is.
Say to her, “Of course you feel sad and angry!”
As in, why would she feel any other way!? Validate that given the circumstances, that is the only way that she could possibly feel.
You see, she doesn’t need to know her feelings are normal, she needs to know that you see why she feels the way that she does. She wants to know that you understand her enough to recognize that there is no other way that she could feel any different.
That is true validation.
So before you try to solve the problem for her, affirm her.
3. I sought support when I needed it.
I rely on a host of teachers and guides to help me through life.
These guides are not family and friends. Family and friends are biased, and they will always have their own best interest in mind, even if they want the best for you too.
So, we must find our own guides.
In the last few years, I’ve had: a trauma therapist, a life coach, a fitness coach, a relationship coach, a spiritual coach, an OCD therapist, and a Marketing coach.
No, I am not wealthy enough to afford all of this. Some of these are free YouTube subscriptions! I count them all because they all promote my consistent health and well-being.
On any given week, I meet with at least 2–3 of these people. And in 2023, my “wellness committee” came through.
They kept me grounded. They kept me moving. They kept me hopeful.
There is so much power in having external expert support.
Some people don’t understand the power of external support. Some even look down on it.
Some of them are in my life.
And it’s ok. They aren’t ready to grow in that way. It takes a deep desire to better your life, to set aside pride and ask for help.
But the magic is once you do, you realize how much more powerful you are.
You realize how much farther you get when you have experts supporting you, that share your values and that are committed to your goals.
When you pair your knowledge of your life with expert knowledge of life, of course you get farther, compared to working with just your knowledge alone.
And so you never go back. The only thing that makes any sense is asking the right people for help.
If you realize that you aren’t fulfilled, seek out people who are.
If you realize that you don’t know how to feel inspired, seek out people who are.
If you realize that you don’t know how to be present with your family, seek out people that do.
In seeking out expert support, you’ll get to your desired outcome years faster than if you try to do it on your own.
Being human is hard, we’re not meant to do it alone. So don’t.
4. I did not break promises to myself.
I did however, fail to achieve certain goals.
Here is the difference:
When I have a goal, like maybe I want to make x amount of money per month, or maybe I want to serve x amount of clients, or maybe I want to buy a condo, well those aren’t promises because I can’t guarantee that they will happen.
I can work hard, rest hard, learn hard, and pivot hard.
But I can’t promise myself that they will happen.
So they are goals, not promises.
When I want to make habit changes, like maybe I want to get up at x time every day, or maybe I want to work-out three times a week, or maybe I want to get out in nature every day, well those can’t be promises either.
I can do my best to make them happen, but I will most likely need to pivot or adjust those goals as I go along.
Habit changes take a lot of compassion because we have to allow room for the goals to change based on our needs.
We need to have a mindset of experimentation, not perfection.
It is more like trial and error. And more often than not, you’ll set a goal that is too high and you’ll have to adjust.
This process is imperfect, so we can’t promise ourselves that we’ll achieve exactly what we set out to achieve.
So these are goals that we hold with grace.
Promises on the other hand, are broad intentions.
I promise myself that I am going to show myself compassion at all times, to the best of my ability.
I promise that I am going to protect my peace at all costs- and that will mean disappointing people and choosing my comfort over everyone else’s.
I promise that I am going to commit to my purpose-work and serve others the best way I know how.
And I promise that I am going to do my best to be intentional in my decisions, keeping my long-term growth and goals in mind.
These are promises that I don’t break.
I show up for myself.
And you’ll notice that I incorporated phrases like, “the best I know how” and “to the best of my ability”.
Because this promise is imperfect and messy too, but if I can say that I showed up as best I could, then I have not broken these promises.
In the process, I learn to trust that I will show up for myself at all times.
5. I stopped expecting people to change
It took years for me to find my voice and start expressing my needs.
And once I did, it was incredibly empowering!
I became the queen of having hard conversations!
But there was one issue: I became attached to the outcome.
So if I expressed a need to someone, I expected them to change and meet my need.
And if they didn’t, then it was hard for me to continue in a relationship with them.
In 2023, I realized that expecting others to change is exhausting!
Not only that, but it creates a scenario where my peace is conditional, based upon them meeting my need.
I realized that I was too attached to whether they changed or not.
And of course I was, because it felt like the whole relationship was riding on them changing! (See the affirming I did there?)
But what I realize now, is that whether they change or not, I still have the power to decide what to do next.
I don’t have to control whether they change.
If they choose to change, I can feel safe in the relationship.
If they choose not to, then I may not feel safe fully investing in that relationship.
Sometimes, seeing them try is enough!
And sometimes, even when they try, it’s not enough.
You get to discern this for yourself.
I have found that for me, the key has been separating expectations from boundaries. Where do I need to set boundaries and where do I need to accept that people can only show up how they know how to.
If I’ve expressed myself and someone is not receptive to it, then it’s time to accept that there is a limitation as to their ability to show up for me.
And that also means, that I get to set new boundaries, by removing access to parts of me.
You see, I’m not lowering my standards by not expecting people to change, I’m protecting my peace regardless of whether they do.
If you are ready to commit to yourself and want to take the first step, then download my FREE Workshop “4 ways to feel inspired by your life again!”
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