Guilt.
It’s a feeling that we try hard to avoid.
We push it down, we ignore it, and we pretend that we don’t feel it.
But the thing is, we can’t escape it.
No matter how long you run from it, it will follow you.
And if you don’t allow yourself to feel it, it will have unintended consequences.
Holding onto guilt will impact your relationships, your success, and your ability to be present, stable, and emotionally available.
When guilt hangs around too long, it turns into shame.
And my friend, shame is a killer!
I’ve noticed that there are two extremes that many people fall into, in their experience of shame:
1. They deny any accountability, they try to convince themselves that they did no wrong, they reject the hard feelings, and they get defensive when confronted.
2. They take on sole blame, they ruminate about what they did and spiral deeper into shame, they over-apologize, and they feel that they deserve to be punished or unhappy.
Can you relate to either of these extremes?
Have you been on the receiving end of shame that has manifested in either of these ways?
Neither way is healthy.
So I want to encourage a middle ground.
A world where we can accept guilt as a normal human emotion, and where we can feel it, and then let it go.
A world in which we can take accountability without shaming ourselves, and where we can confront our own imperfections lovingly and with compassion.
This world is possible — each of us can build this world for ourselves through shifting our own thoughts and behaviors.
And it starts with an uncomfortable first step: feeling our guilt.
Feeling your guilt
I’d like to share a secret about guilt.
If you catch it early, it doesn’t turn into shame!
Guilt means that you feel bad about what you did.
Shame means that you feel bad about who you are.
Shame tells a deeper untruth about who you are, and it’s much heavier to carry.
So you could save yourself a lot of suffering simply by allowing yourself to feel your guilt.
How do you do that?
Acknowledge what you feel guilty about. Say it out loud to yourself. Write it out. Sit with it and in it. It is not dangerous, even though it will feel like it.
And know that you don’t have to do anything about it.
Affirm yourself by saying, “Of course I feel guilty, I didn’t mean to come across that way. I know that I’m a good person, and I don’t have to be perfect.”
Guilt is not the enemy.
You are avoiding feeling guilty because you are scared of what feeling it might say about you — about who you really are.
But I want you to believe so deeply that you are a good person with good intentions, that even when you are not perfect, you still know that you are a good person with good intentions. And that THAT is enough.
And I think you know that.
But you are holding yourself to an impossibly high standard.
You are also holding yourself accountable for other people’s emotions and reactions.
And that is just not fair.
You don’t have to be perfect, and you are not responsible for anyone else’s experience.
Guilt is just an emotion that shows that you are human and that you care.
And that’s a beautiful thing.
Choosing yourself
So often, we feel guilty for disappointing others.
That is generally where guilt stems from. Otherwise, why would we feel guilty if there weren’t a perceived negative impact on someone else?
Many times, we don’t actually feel bad about what we did, but we feel fearful about how our decision impacts others and what the consequences of our decision might be.
Ie. We will lose love, safety, or people.
We were raised putting ourselves last, and we learned that people-pleasing was the only safe way to show up in the world, so as not to lose love, safety, and people.
Many of us were fed programming as children, that it is our job to make everyone else comfortable, at the expense of our own comfort.
So now, as adults, when we start the process of breaking free from this programming and putting ourselves first, we understandably will feel an incredible amount of anxiety.
This is normal!
Our bodies are screaming at us, signaling that we are in danger. We’ve spent so much of our life appeasing others to protect ourselves, that not doing that, feels like life or death.
These are the moments when we need to pause.
These are the moments when we need to acknowledge the guilt.
And even more, we need to acknowledge what is behind the guilt:
Fear.
Fear of losing love, safety, and people.
Our inner child is scared because she was forced to be perfect. To be sweet. To be small.
Or else she would lose love, safety, and people.
So my friend, sit in that fear with your inner child. Affirm her and let her know that it’s ok to be scared and to feel guilty. It’s ok not to be perfect. It’s ok to stick up for herself. And it’s also ok to lose things.
Let her know that putting her own comfort before that of others, is the right thing to do.
You see because guilt doesn’t always mean that you did something wrong.
Sometimes, it means that you did exactly the right thing — you chose yourself.
And if you did that, then you are on the right track!
Guilt and setting boundaries
In my last article, “3 ways to set boundaries with family, if you are conflict-avoidant”, I gave a few examples of less-direct ways to set boundaries.
And I mentioned that setting these boundaries can bring up feelings of guilt.
What we need to become aware of then, while we are on this journey of self-development, is that guilt is a natural part of choosing ourselves over others.
Sure, there will be times when you actually mess up, or hurt someone, and you may need to apologize and make things right.
But more often than not, you don’t need to do anything about your guilt — that’s right, not a damn thing!
You don’t need to make up for some perceived lack.
You don’t need to apologize, send a follow-up message, try to smooth things over, or explain yourself further.
Just let the guilt be.
I promise it will pass if you allow yourself to face it.
I know that it feels like facing it will eat you alive, but it’s actually the opposite, it’s when you don’t face it that it will harm you.
When your guilt derives from choosing yourself, you are doing everything right.
And remember that feeling guilty about how your decision impacts others, is not a sign that you are a bad person.
It’s a sign that you really are that good person that you know in your heart you are.
And you don’t need to prove that to anyone.
In summary:
Guilt turns into shame, so catch your guilt early and allow yourself to feel it, so that it can pass.
Fear of losing love, safety, and people, is often behind guilt. Remember that you don’t have to be perfect or stay small in order to keep these things.
It is normal to feel guilty when setting new boundaries — if you are choosing your comfort over pleasing others, then you are doing exactly the right thing!
You don’t always need to do something about your guilt. Most of the time, you need to acknowledge it, feel it, and support your inner child through the discomfort.
And lastly, as much as your body will tell you that you’re in danger and your mind will tell you that you are a crappy person, keep affirming that you are a good person.
You know who you are, and you are the only person that you should be concerned about pleasing.
Molly is a Self-discovery & Transformation coach, helping women rediscover themselves and live a life that is authentic and fulfilling to them. She works with professional women and new moms in their 30’s, who feel lost and unmotivated, and guides them in finding their motivation, their inspiration, and building a life that they truly love.
For more mindset shifts to get to your fulfilling life, download my FREE Workshop “4 ways to feel inspired by your life again!” Because I know you don’t want to just live, you want to be present and happy while doing so.
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