Spoiler alert! This article includes details about the Netflix series, The Crown. I was all in my feels watching this series and it inspired the following reflections, which I hope will help you kick start 2024 by living more authentically.
While I expected to be inspired by Queen Elizabeth II’s magnificent life (And I was!), what I didn’t expect was the sobering undertone that intentionally pervades, The Crown. That of, “the unlived life”, as her character calls it. We all have an unlived life, and I’d like to examine why we’re not living it.
Towards the middle of the series, Queen Elizabeth reveals to us her dream, if she were to have a choice in the matter (the matter being, her life). Her dream would be to move to the country and raise and ride horses. As she sits pensively under a tree, in a field, in Kentucky, far away from her royal responsibilities, we see a hint of wistfulness in her eyes, toward the life that she will never have. “The unlived life”, as she calls it.
I couldn’t help but get emotional at the thought of her “unlived life”. The alternate reality that will never be.
Lucky for us, we are not all the Queen of England. But we do have something in common with her: the weight of expectation.
That is, how the expectations of others influence how we live our lives. And while we can’t begin to imagine the enormous pressure that Elizabeth must have felt in taking on the responsibility of the crown, she did have a choice in the matter, even if she didn’t feel like she had a choice.
So I’d like to start with this question: how are you allowing the expectations of others to influence your choices? If those expectations were gone, what would you do? Where would you go? Who would you be? Your answers to these questions compose your unlived life.
Intentionally creating your life
Let’s examine your unlived life. Even if you aren’t sure exactly how it looks, you probably have a sense of some details. For example, the Queen wanted to be in the country with her horses, doing something she loved. That sounds like it would feel really peaceful, doesn’t it?
With whatever details you have in mind, how does your unlived life feel to you? Is it peaceful? Inspiring? Restful? Joyful?
Your answer will reveal what you feel is missing in your life now, and the kind of life that you really want.
Let’s stick with the example of wanting a peaceful life. How would one work towards that? While you may not be able to have the horses and the house in the country right away, what you can do, is seek out experiences that produce that same feeling that you’re seeking. So instead of getting caught up in the details of your unlived life, start making decisions that align with the feeling that you want. In our example, peace is the north star. So every decision in life, should be made with the objective to create and maintain peace. This is actually the law of attraction: You attract what you are.
So before you can get to your “unlived life” level of peace, you have to be it. You have to look at every aspect of your life and ask yourself one tough question: “Does this bring me peace?”.
This is where the hard part starts. Because if you’re serious about wanting that life, then you have to be honest with yourself about your current life. And if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll be struck with some harsh truths. Maybe you’ll realize that your job doesn’t bring you peace. Maybe you’ll realize that your boss doesn’t bring you peace. Maybe you’ll realize that your family member(s) doesn’t bring you peace. Maybe you’ll realize that a friendship doesn’t bring you peace. And maybe, you’ll even realize that your partner doesn’t bring you peace.
You see, to get to your peaceful life, you’ll need to get uncomfortable first. This means making changes. The realization that you’re living in contradiction to what you really want is hard in itself, which is why most people don’t do it. But this is what it means to live in alignment. This is what people that really do live peacefully (or fill in the blank with your word), do.
Now, you might be feeling stressed at the thought of making changes. That’s ok. And maybe there is a part of you that knows which parts of your life don’t bring you peace. Or maybe you are scared that you’ll lose the people that you love. I am not telling you to go cut everyone out of your life who don’t bring you the feeling that you want. Cue the sigh of relief! What I am saying is that it’s time to acknowledge where you feel peaceful and where you don’t, and make changes from there regarding how much time you spend in unpeaceful situations.
If your job is the problem, what is it about your job? Can you change it so that it feels more in alignment with what you’re seeking? If you’ve tried, or if you know in your heart that you can’t, then it might be time to start thinking about what would bring you peace so that you can move in that direction.
If it’s a person in your life that is unpeaceful, then it’s time to start setting boundaries with them. Consider setting limits to: The amount of time you spend with them, what you discuss with them, what you do with them. Limiting the access that they have to you will protect your peace. These kinds of decisions don’t necessarily need to be discussed with them. But, you will most likely need to verbally assert some boundaries, otherwise the person won’t know when they’re crossing your new-found boundaries. You may choose to have a discussion if the person feels like a safe person with whom to do so. Sometimes though, a simple statement like, “I don’t want to talk about that” or “Please stop speaking to me like that”, can suffice to set a boundary. Once you have stated what you will and will not accept, it’s up to the other person to respect that. If after some time, they are clearly not trying to respect your boundaries, then you may want to reconsider your relationship with them.
Lastly and most importantly, enlist the help of a professional, like a qualified coach- Oh, hello! This is not a journey that can be done alone. Difficult emotions will come up and experts like myself will have tools to help you through them as they do. If other people in your life don’t understand why you’re making these changes, it’s important that you maintain outside support towards the internal work that you’re doing. To keep motivation and momentum towards the life that you really want, I can’t stress enough that you must have external support!
Finding Freedom
Quite often I find that my clients are seeking some kind of freedom to live life on their terms. Circling back to Elizabeth’s unlived life, we can see that she wanted freedom to be able to live her life the way that she wanted to. And what was stopping her? Again, those pesky expectations of others! Without those, what really is ever stopping us from doing anything we want? Yes we might be scared, but isn’t a big part of our fear, the fear of what others will think of us?
So, we can deduce that our desire for freedom does not mean freedom to do whatever we want. Afterall, we are reasonable adults with responsibilities! Rather, it’s that we want freedom from other people’s expectations of us. Because expectations come with judgments, and we sure do like to avoid those! The good news is that while we can’t ever fully rid ourselves of other people’s expectations and judgements, we can rid ourselves of any impact that they have on us. That is within our control.
Now I’m going to be real with you, when you make decisions that protect your peace, joy, or inspiration, instead of appeasing the expectations of others, people will judge you. They will be upset, confused, and angry. And I say, let them be! They are entitled to their feelings just as you are entitled to your choices. But their feelings are not your responsibility.
Had Elizabeth chosen not to be queen, she would have felt the weight of disappointment, anger, resentment, and so many other things, from people around the world. And worse, from her own family. And in her shoes, at her young age, I would have made the exact same decision. But even if other people’s feelings spanned the world over, they would still not be her responsibility. True freedom comes in choosing your own path despite what anyone else thinks. And the people that love you for you, will choose to accept your decision.
Choosing your life
So how do we free ourselves from the expectations of others?
We choose our peace, every single time. Especially when it’s hard.
Especially when we have to leave behind things and people that are not in service to our peace; when we have to redefine how we show up in our relationships; when we have to choose to move forward, even when we’re not exactly sure where we’re going. And as we make decisions that honor our peace, we start to build trust that we will continue to choose our peace, and thus, we trust that we don’t need to know exactly where we’re going. We trust ourselves on the journey. Over time, we actually become the peace that we seek, and in turn, we attract more of the peace that we want.
In one of the last episodes of the series, we get to see a flashback of Queen Elizabeth when she was just 19, before the weight of the monarchy was on her shoulders. We see her like we’ve never seen her, as she walks alone into a crowded bar and ends up dancing and laughing the night away with strangers. We see her free.
As the audience, we have spent years watching her make hard decisions and staying poised in stressful situations. But we had to go all the way back to her early life, to see her free. Free to dance, free to laugh, free to experiment, free to play. She let go of the expectations of others that night, and we saw a glimpse of who she might’ve been. And while this is a work of fiction, the contrast between the young uninhibited Elizabeth and the Elizabeth that we’ve seen as the composed Queen, is striking.
As we flash forward again, Elizabeth’s sister Margaret, who was there that night, expressed that she wanted the world to know about that night so that they might understand the degree of Elizabeth’s sacrifice. For the audience, our sorrow lingers, as we finally understand not just what she gave up, but who she gave up being.
You see, we don’t become who we’re meant to be, we become who we choose to be. Who Elizabeth became was simply a summation of her life choices.
And that’s the same for all of us. And while I am sure that she found peace in parts of her life, I do wonder, who would she be without the weight of the world’s expectations? How might that freedom have changed her?
In the final episode, we see the Queen grapple with the decision of whether to abdicate. Her younger selves, who we met earlier in the series, make an appearance, acting as her internal dialogue. We see her argue with her younger self, the one who took the throne back when she was just 25 years old. Her younger self argues in favor of her continuing as monarch, and Elizabeth, at this point almost 80 years old, argues back, “But what about the life that I gave up!?” Clearly there was a part of her that yearned to explore who she might’ve been. Her younger self responds, “If you go trying to find Elizabeth Windsor, you won’t find her. You buried her long ago”. And there you have it. We are who we choose to be.
The audience is left with a sense of sadness at the Queen’s revelation that part of her ached to explore other parts of her. And although she may not have been fully free, maybe there is a sense of freedom in choosing not to be free. At 25, she may not have known what she was walking into, but at almost 80, she does. And even though she still feels the wight of expectation, we see her make a fully conscious choice this time, to continue as monarch. She chooses her future, albeit reluctantly, knowing who she is choosing to be, and who she is choosing to sacrifice.
The Queen lived a remarkable life, with a strong sense of purpose thanks to her role. And no one can argue that her temperament and Taurean groundedness made her a truly gifted Queen. Yet still, I do wonder what gifts she had that we didn’t get to see. Gifts that she didn’t get to see.
And finally…I wonder, who might she have become if she had lived her unlived life. As the series comes to a close, this question is left lingering. And we sense that maybe, Elizabeth herself, may have wondered that exact same thing.
While The Crown intentionally encourages these royal reflections, I want to end by encouraging you to reflect on your own life…
Who do you choose to be?
If you are ready to start living your unlived life, then I encourage you to download my free webinar, 4 ways to feel inspired by your life again. Will 2024 be the year that you start creating the life that you truly want? That is up to you. I’d love to guide you on your journey.
**This article is written based off of the hit drama series, The Crown, not on Queen Elizabeth’s real life.
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