One of the hardest parts of self-love is forgiving yourself. It's also one of the most important parts. Why? Because in order to create the happy and fulfilling life that you want, you have to forgive yourself. Otherwise, it becomes a block. Read on for how to do it.
When I look back at my life, I can remember a number of times that required me to forgive myself. For me, those times consisted of moments where I felt that I had let myself down and/or hurt someone else. And those moments sucked.
The thing is, if you're human, then you will make mistakes. And if you are holding onto unforgiveness towards yourself, then you are subconsciously blaming and shaming yourself. You cannot live a full life carrying blame and shame because they will make you think that you don't deserve a full life. And therefore, you will create a less-than full life.
You see, you don't manifest from your conscious mind, you manifest from your subconscious mind. You create what your subconscious mind thinks that you deserve. And if you are blaming and shaming yourself by holding onto unforgiveness, then it's impossible to believe that you deserve all of the beautiful things that you really want. That's how important self-forgiveness is.
So my dear, you have to pick one: either you create the full beautiful life that you want, or you hold onto unforgiveness towards yourself. Which one do you choose?
The pain of unforgiveness
Forgiving yourself can feel hard. When you show up in a way that you're not proud of, you sometimes feel like you deserve to carry the shame. When you hurt people unintentionally, you think that carrying the heavy weight of guilt somehow makes up for the pain that you have caused. But it doesn't. It only adds to the pain.
Consider pain for a moment. I'd like to encourage you to start seeing it as a collective experience, rather than an individual one.
Pain is human - we all feel it and we all cause it. It's kind of like a torturous form of currency that we exchange, except that everyone wants less of it, not more.
So your goal is simply to minimize the amount of it that you generate. That is after all, the only thing that you can control.
Now, once you unintentionally cause pain, you unfortunately cannot take it back. What you can do, is minimize any further pain. In order to do that, there are a few valuable practices that you must learn: 1) take accountability 2) apologize when necessary 3) learn your lesson 4) forgive yourself. I'll touch on the first three later on, but will focus mainly on #4, because "forgiving yourself" is the practice that many people skip, even if they have done the others. If you are committed to choosing your happiness over self-blame, then you must forgive yourself. And if you are committed to minimizing collective pain, then that must include your pain too.
And my friend, if you think that you are unforgivable, then I'm here to tell you that you're not. I don't care what you've done or who you've hurt, you are forgivable. Shaming and blaming yourself is emotional self-harm, and it is just as dangerous as physical self-harm. You do not deserve to carry shame and guilt, period.
How to know when you are blaming yourself
Forgiveness is a process, and there are a few initial steps which I think you'll find quite logical. First, you must recognize that you are blaming yourself. Second, you must uncover what you are blaming yourself for.
Recognizing that you are blaming yourself can be tricky. Blame doesn't always show up as conscious thoughts, although it can. For me, unforgiveness towards myself shows up as feelings and experiences, as well as conscious thoughts. I'll explain more and maybe you'll be able to relate.
When I am blaming myself, I feel an overall heaviness. My body feels weighed down and I feel a bit like I am in a fog walking through my day. It's also oftentimes hard to concentrate on my daily tasks. I feel anxious, jittery, and even, physically sick. This heavy energy sticks with me and it's not something that can be easily shaken off through my normal self-care practices.
You may also experience this blame as more conscious thoughts. If you have ever experienced racing and anxious thoughts, then you know what I mean. This is called rumination. And when you lose sleep because of it, you have let it go too far. This is your mind screaming at you that it requires your attention.
For me, rumination is a tell-tale sign that I am blaming myself for something. Another word for ruminating is obsessing. It can be hard to see in the moment that you are obsessing, so here are a few signs: If you wake up and immediately think about "that thing", in the morning for more than 2 days, then you are ruminating. If you are avoiding being alone and letting your mind wander, or if you are scrolling social media or watching tv a lot, then that may be a sign that you are trying to distract yourself from the uncomfortable feelings of shame and guilt. Distraction is ok for a little while, but I encourage you to face the feelings sooner rather than later.
When I realize that I am ruminating, it's my sign to dig deeper. You can't ignore this thing if you are waking up thinking about it. You may be able to distract yourself during the day, but it will come back when your mind has less to think about. So I encourage you to pro-actively explore your feelings, by exploring your thoughts.
You might have thoughts like:
"I feel so bad about x"
"I should or shouldn't have said/done x"
"I feel like such a crappy (insert relationship role)"
"I'm so stupid"
"It's all my fault."
I invite you to reflect: What are your personal signs that you are holding onto unforgiveness towards yourself? What does it feel like? What are you consciously saying to yourself? This awareness is the first step in being able to move through the pain.
How to figure out what you are blaming yourself for
Personally, by exploring my thoughts, I gain a general sense of what I am blaming myself for. But for me, journaling really unlocks the deeper truth. I allow myself to free-write when I am in a very anxious state of shame and blame - no prompts or any preconceived ideas about what I want to say. I literally write out every feeling that I have and why I feel that way. Reflecting on why I feel that way is key, because then I start to get into the context around the feeling, which reveals much more about my truth. It allows me to share more about why I did what I did, allowing for more self-compassion, and it allows me to express any other feelings like anger or resentment, which help me to emotionally process.
On that note, feeling angry or resentful are normal emotions that point to some kind of external blame. So if you are feeling those things, you must consider how you are placing blame externally.
The first step would again be exploring your thoughts, like:
"They did/said x, and that really hurt me" "I don't think that I can trust them anymore" "I am so mad at them for x" "They overreacted" "It's their fault"
The next step may be journaling through these feelings, to get to the root. And I'd like to share a secret with you about blaming others:
When you are blaming others, you are actually blaming yourself.
That's right, blaming others is actually rooted in self-blame. Maybe you are blaming yourself for putting yourself in a position where that person could hurt you; maybe you are blaming yourself because you know that what they said is true and you feel ashamed; maybe you are blaming yourself for not sticking up for yourself or others. When you find yourself blaming others, use that as a cue to reflect back inwards - what are you actually blaming yourself for? Now this doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel hurt or betrayed. What it does mean though, is that you are refocusing on what you can control: yourself. Regardless of what may have transpired, and regardless of what will, the only way that you will be able to move on and live your fulfilled life, is by forgiving yourself. And if you are having a hard time moving on because you think that they should apologize, then I have another secret for you: The person that hurt you, cannot heal you. The reason that you are blaming them is because they hurt you in some way.
But you cannot give someone that hurt you, the responsibility of healing you. Healing is an inside job, and it does not rely on an external apology.
This does not mean that you should lower your standards of the people around you, but rather, that you should refocus inwards towards self-forgiveness first, and then decide how you want to engage with that person moving forward.
Now, another great way to process your feelings is by talking them out. That is where a coach or therapist is critical. And sometimes, when I am deeply stuck, this is the only thing that works. In the same way that writing out context around the pain helps, speaking helps you to speak out the context and gain access to your deeper truth. A professional can help you gain new perspectives by asking you probing questions, and they can also offer tools to support you in your exploration.
And as a quick PSA, beware that while family and friends are well meaning, sharing your pain with them can often cause more harm than good. They tend to default to validating you without also challenging your perspective - which is important when working through hard feelings. They may also resort to dismissive speech in an attempt to "fix" your pain, with such phrases as, "Yea, but you tried your best." or, "Yea, but I'm sure it's not as bad as you think." The idea here is that we are trying to feel our feelings, not dismiss them. And because your loved ones most likely are not experts, they certainly won't offer helpful tools to support you. If you find yourself wanting to talk out your hard feelings with someone in your life, then that is a sign that enlisting the help of a professional would suit you well.
So my friend, is it writing, speaking or both for you? Because let me be clear, you cannot move through these tough feelings and get to forgiveness just by thinking about them. Thoughts hold energy and when they are swirling around in your mind, the energy is stuck in your body and it can't get out. You may even feel an urge to cry, and in that case, you should allow yourself to cry. It's another way to release the pressure-valve and allow the energy to flow out of you. I recommend crying alone, in a place where you feel safe, and pro tip: if you need to, watch or read something sad to get you started!
Forgiving yourself
Once you recognize that you are blaming yourself and once you figure out for what, you are already halfway there. Forgiveness is a process; it doesn't just happen in a moment, it happens over time. The rest of the blueprint consists of the practices that I mentioned above. I describe them more below.
First, you have to take accountability. If you are apologizing, which is a personal choice, then you can take accountability to the person that you hurt. If you choose to apologize, then make sure that it is genuine and that you are not just apologizing so that they will apologize to you. No matter what you decide, the most important thing is that you take accountability to yourself. Even if you were hurt, it's still important to reflect on what you could have done differently. This requires you to put your ego aside and be honest about your contribution to the problem. As adults, it takes two, always.
Now, when it comes to taking accountability, there is a fine line that you must be aware of - that is the blame line. Taking accountability means maturely taking responsibility for your part in what happened, not wallowing in shame over what you did. You are not a perfect human, so do not expect perfection from yourself. It's important to accept the circumstances as they are and move towards inner peace, always.
A great way to work towards peace is by using the following journal prompts:
I forgive myself for...
I thank myself for...
I forgive them for...
I thank them for...
Write as much as comes to your mind. These prompts will help you see that there are things to forgive on both sides and that there are even gifts that have come out of this pain. You can even use a prompt like: "Please forgive me for...", if you want to pretend to write directly to the other person. I suggest pairing this activity with deep breathing and even a meditation, if that feels right.
As you work towards forgiving yourself for not showing up perfectly, you'll be better able to forgive others for not showing up perfectly too. Because here's the thing, we are all the hero in our story. Or at the very least, we are the protagonist - the main character. As the main character in our story, all we know is our perspective and our side of the story, so we make imperfect decisions based on that. Every great protagonist is flawed. And usually, we love them because of their flaws. So give yourself grace, and extend grace to others, trying to understand and learn from their perspectives along the way - this comes with a very strong caveat to learn from what feels intuitively right to you, while always choosing your safety and peace over all else.
The final piece of forgiveness is learning your lesson.
Taking a lesson away from the situation allows you to feel like the pain that you may have felt and/or caused, had a purpose. So what was the purpose in your pain? What was the lesson?
Then, work towards changing something. If you don't change anything, then you haven't learned the lesson. Maybe the lesson was that you need to get more help and support; maybe it was that you need to set a boundary; maybe it was that you need to develop better self-care practices; and maybe, it was that you need to learn to forgive yourself. Take a step in the direction of your lesson.
So my friend, reflect on something for which you are still carrying shame and guilt. What are you beating yourself up over? Which of these parts of the forgiveness blueprint have you skipped? Which of the tools here could help you face your hard feelings and get to forgiveness?
In summary:
Forgiveness is necessary in order for you to create the fulfilling and happy life that you want
Your task is to minimize pain by releasing self-blame and shame - after all, you don't deserve to hold onto it, no matter what you've done
When you are blaming others, you are actually blaming yourself - figure out why
Learn to recognize your own signs that you are blaming yourself, and utilize tools like journaling and speaking to a professional, to explore the context around your unforgiveness
Take accountability: release your expectation of perfection and find gratitude; apologize when it feels right; and finally, learn the lesson and change Forgiveness is a process, so have compassion for yourself. You are learning to love yourself through all seasons, even when you feel like you don't deserve it. This is the journey towards self-love that will get you to the life that you want. You are forgivable and lovable, always. If you are struggling to foster self-forgiveness or if you are struggling with unforgiveness towards others, then reach out for a 30-minute free discovery session. I'd love to learn more about your story and discuss how I can help you work through your unforgiveness block and get you to that life that you truly deserve!
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