A beautiful epiphany
A few years ago I was in the dating world, and had been chatting back and forth with a guy on a dating app.
We had been having a great conversation, and seemed to really align on values and interests. I was excited to go out with him.
Unfortunately, that never happened.
He ghosted me.
And then, he unmatched with me!
I remember the feeling of panic and confusion. I looked back at our messages to see if I could find any reason why he had disappeared.
Had I offended him? Had I said something wrong? Or maybe, I didn’t say enough? Am I not enough?
Whew! You can see how fast that spiraled!
Going from “this person did not respond to me”, to “I am just not enough”, is a big jump!
But how often do we make that kind of jump?
Too often.
So there I was, confused and sad.
And after going over it a million times in my head, I decided that whatever reason he had for disappearing, it wasn’t about me, because I couldn’t find anything wrong with our exchange.
I decided that whatever had happened, was his problem, not mine; that it must have had nothing to do with me.
I remember coming to this conclusion, and feeling pretty proud of it, because I felt like it was a pretty self-compassionate way to look at the situation. I felt like taking myself out of the equation and not making it about me, was the most realistic and kindest way to understand the situation.
My intention was to build self-compassion, because it is a pre-requisite to self-love. I thought I loved myself, but you’ll see, I had a lot to learn about what that really means.
Shortly after this happened, I had a call with my coach.
With pride, I told her about my conclusion. I felt like she would congratulate me for not taking the situation personally, and for showing myself compassion.
To my surprise, she did not. She challenged me.
She said, “But saying that whatever happened is on him, not you, is still not having compassion for yourself.”
I was super confused. I thought, “What do you mean? I am literally telling myself that it’s not my fault, what could be more compassionate than that?”
She said, “You are still not having compassion for how he hurt you. You haven’t actually acknowledged your feelings.”
I was dumbfounded. And to be honest, it hadn’t even occurred to me that he had hurt my feelings, because I thought, “How could I be hurt by someone that I haven’t even met?”
I realized that I had subconsciously judged myself for feeling hurt by this person who I didn’t know. My pride told me that it was stupid to feel hurt, so I denied myself the experience of feeling the hurt.
That led to more pain because if I couldn’t feel the emotion, I couldn’t get past it. I held onto it, and it even translated into more anger towards men, towards dating, and towards dating apps.
Much of this was subconscious, which is why it’s important to dig into the truth beneath your conscious thoughts.
Because honey, there is no way I was going to find my soul mate sitting in the energy of anger and resentment.
What compassion is not
This conversation sparked a huge revelation for me.
Compassion isn’t about trying to come up with a bunch of reasons why I shouldn’t feel the way I feel. Compassion is about exploring how I feel about something and then allowing myself to feel it. It is about stating my feelings and then affirming them.
Mind. Blown.
In that moment, my amazing coach had me put my hand on my heart and take five deep breaths. Then she told me to say the following, and fill in the blanks: “Parts of me feel ( ) that this person ghosted me. And of course I feel ( ) because…”
I sat there and had to really think about how I felt about the situation.
I realized that I did feel hurt because we had been having a great conversation from my point of view, and I thought we were on the same page.
Then he seemingly, randomly, decided not to continue it, and even went a step further and unmatched with me! That felt extreme and even more hurtful.
I realized too that I was incredibly disappointed in not being able to go out on a date that I was excited about.
I realized as well, that I was really sad because I had put a lot of effort into dating and I felt like others weren’t showing up in the same intentional way.
And I felt sad because I wanted to find a loving partner to build a life with.
From this one scenario, you can see how many emotions were actually triggered!
But so often, we try to push our emotions away, bury them, and move on.
The irony of our desire to move on, is that in not feeling our emotions, we are assuring ourselves that we will NOT move on.
So here is an example of what I said to myself:
“Parts of me feel really hurt that this guy ghosted me, and then unmatched with me. And of course I feel hurt because I felt a connection, I was excited, and nothing was communicated to me that would have made me think he wasn’t interested. Of course it hurts that he just stopped talking to me!”
This one skill, which seems so simple, completely changed my life and began a brand new healthier relationship with myself.
Which is the prerequisite for attracting and maintaining any healthy relationship;)
The new me
From that point on, my life changed.
I had a completely new perspective on what it meant to show myself compassion.
And this was the game changer in navigating my anxiety, building self-love, and ultimately, being able to attract and maintain healthy relationships in my life.
Why?
Because by showing myself compassion in every scenario, I built trust in myself that I will support and accept every feeling that comes up.
Something beautiful happens when you are unconditionally accepted: You blossom.
Self-acceptance, which is a form of self-compassion, takes away any shame or guilt, so that you are free to just be you. No matter how messy or imperfect.
Think about a time when you shared something really scary or emotional with someone and they completely accepted and supported you.
Didn’t that feel good? Didn’t that allow the pain to dissipate a little?
Acceptance is a healing experience. And in a moment of anxiety, it can take the edge off.
Afterwards, it allows the pain to pass.
The beauty is that YOU can give yourself that gift at any moment. You don’t need someone else to do it for you.
So start practicing self-acceptance with yourself, and you’ll being moving towards a more compassionate and loving you.
Don’t drink the self-blame poison
On the topic of hard feelings, how do you deal with them?
Do you deny them or bury them?
How many times have you tried to explain away your hard feelings? Like I tried to do in my dating experience.
How many times have you said things like, “Well, they were just joking”, or, “Maybe I didn’t hear that right”, or, “It’s not a big deal”, in order to explain away an offense or minimize your hurt feelings?
How many times have you excused other peoples’ behavior, under the guise of giving them, “the benefit of the doubt”, so that you don’t offend them by calling them out?
And how many times have you internally silenced your discomfort and blamed yourself instead?
This is the poison, my friend: Self-blame.
Look at the heart-breaking reality of what I did first when I realized I was being ghosted:
I looked for what I must have done wrong, first.
How sad is that? My instinct was to blame myself first.
My coach pointed this out to me.
It hadn’t even occurred to me that there was any other option other than to go right to the conclusion that I must have said or done something “wrong”.
This instinct comes from a lack of self-trust.
It was only after hours of torturing myself that I concluded that the ghosting must not have had anything to do with me.
But even if it hadn’t, it still affected me.
And regardless of his reasons, I learned that something doesn’t have to be explainable, in order for me to feel hurt by it.
I learned that I need to allow myself to feel my hard emotions, so that I can move on in peace.
Conclusion
Over the years, I’ve realized that I have a lot more emotions than I thought.
And I’ve been able to use this simple practice of self-acceptance, to build self-compassion.
Self-compassion is not about understanding why something happened, but rather it’s about acknowledging that you feel a certain way about it.
It’s not about trying to find logic in it, it’s about accepting that you may never know, but that whatever your feelings are, they are valid.
It’s not about explaining things away and convincing yourself that it’s not worth your energy, it’s about realizing that whether you want to be or not, you are already affected by it.
I’ve used this in so many circumstances:
When I’ve been scared to make the wrong decision, I’ve shown myself compassion. When I’ve made the decision, I’ve shown myself more compassion.
When I’ve been scared to confront someone, I’ve shown myself compassion. When I’ve confronted them, I’ve shown myself more compassion.
Compassion looked like naming out loud my fear, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, resentment, and disappointment. Then affirming them.
Compassion also looked like sitting in nature and journaling my feelings; finding a quiet place where I could have solitude to dig through what was coming up and then come up with a plan to move forward.
Compassion looked like giving myself space to cry; giving myself permission to punch a pillow, rip up paper, and even go to a smash room where I could safely throw glass objects against a wall. (You should try it!)
Compassion has many faces, so learn what works for you.
But no matter what you do, affirm your feelings in a way where your mind absorbs the message, “There is no other reasonable way to feel based on this experience.”
Over time, whether things go well, or whether they do not, you will start to trust that you have your back, no matter what.
You will start to feel a deep and profound self-love.
That can only come through self-compassion.
I’m grateful for the stranger that ghosted me.
Out of his actions, came one of the greatest gifts that I’ve ever received: Learning self-compassion.
Molly is a Self-discovery & Transformation coach, helping women rediscover themselves and live a life that is authentic and fulfilling to them. She works with professional women and new moms in their 30’s, who feel lost and unmotivated, and guides them in finding their motivation, their inspiration, and building a life that they truly love.
For more mindset shifts to get to your fulfilling life, download my FREE Workshop “4 ways to feel inspired by your life again!” Because I know you don’t want to just live, you want to be present and happy while doing so.
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