I am a recovering people-pleaser.
I had to people-please, in order to stay safe as a child.
And that’s the story for most of us recovering people-pleasers.
Some of us may have also had a model people-pleaser as a parent, which only reinforced the idea that we had to show up in a certain way, in order to gain love.
And so we became fully committed to avoiding conflict and to appeasing others, at the cost of ourselves.
In the process, we abandoned ourselves for the comfort of others.
Recently, I realized that I have surrounded myself with other people-pleasers.
Because for me, they felt safe. They felt like home, because my people-pleasing parent was my safe place for much of my life.
The beautiful thing about people-pleasers, is that they are capable of an inordinate amount of empathy. They are genuinely kind, and they have a distinct ability to make you feel seen, thanks to this empathy.
These are the superpowers of people who grew up in the way we did — having to contort ourselves to avoid verbal, emotional, and physical abuse; having to mold ourselves to be what specific people, (often narcissists), want us to be; having to be “good” and follow the rules, at the expense of ourselves.
We went through all that, and we STILL came out on the other side, kind, loving and compassionate. That’s pretty freaking incredible.
We gained all of these gifts, and I for one, am extremely grateful for them.
The Dark Side of People-Pleasing
The thing is, I realized recently that the safety that I found in people-pleasers, was based on the codependency that I experienced as a child.
It was easy to develop a codependent bond with my people-pleasing parent, because they were the safe one — the one who always wanted to please me.
So later in life, I sought out similar relationships. And I also fell into similar codependent behaviors.
For me, that looked like: not being able to make a decision until I’ve talked to that person, feeling an intense “need” to talk to that person when I was anxious, and changing the way I communicated, so as to appease their sensitivities.
I realized that when I am around certain people-pleasers, I start to fall back into old patterns. I start apologizing unnecessarily and I start feeling insecure about my behavior.
This was an important realization for me. Because often we look for what feels “safe” based on our trauma. And while some people-pleasers seek out narcissists because they feel “like home”, I was doing the opposite: I was seeking out other people-pleasers because they felt like home.
How it feels on the other side
As a RPP myself, it is only recently that I’ve found myself on the other side of people-pleasing behavior.
And my friends, it was frustrating.
Someone in my life was apologizing unnecessarily, and was reassuring me when I would express certain feelings that they interpreted as difficult.
A manifestation of people-pleasing which you may be familiar with, is trying to smooth over any difficult feelings that others may be experiencing, to try to “fix” the “problem” of their difficult feelings.
But I didn’t see my difficult feelings as problems and they didn’t need fixing.
And for the first time, I realized that these behaviors are actually incredibly invalidating and inauthentic.
You see, as people-pleasers, we’re not really trying to please people. We’re trying to control people.
We’re trying to control everyone, so that our world feels ok and so that we can avoid any feelings of rejection or abandonment.
Because that is really what we’re afraid of.
I know, it doesn’t feel like control. And it’s not the typical image of control that we think of when we think of a controlling relationship.
But when you apologize unnecessarily, do you know what happens?
It creates a dynamic where the other person feels on edge about hurting you, because they’ve seen how easily you take on blame. The apologies also lose weight and start to feel more like a tool to appease and avoid confrontation, and that feels inauthentic.
And mind you, this could also go in the other direction with a narcissist, where they take advantage of your self-blame, but I’m talking about my experience with people-pleasers, as a recovering people-pleaser.
Another example: What about when you try to smooth over another person’s difficult feelings by trying to highlight the positive?
It creates a situation where the other person feels dismissed and unseen, and where they eventually stop speaking their whole truth because they don’t want to feel dismissed by you.
And I know, making someone feel unseen is exactly the opposite of your intention, but these habits result in exactly that.
And I know, you have good intentions.
But that does not mean that you can’t also take accountability for the parts that you’ve played in your relationships and their related dysfunction.
Look, people-pleasers are some of the most kind and empathetic people that I’ve met.
But what we have to all learn, is to take accountability, because as much as we try to be perfect, we are not. And the sooner you are able to look at yourself objectively and face your contribution to a problem, the sooner you will be able to build healthier relationships.
And let me tell you, now that I’ve been on the other side of people-pleasing, I will be ensuring that my healing continues, so that I can build secure relationships and so that I can be a safe person for others.
Molly is a Self-discovery & Transformation coach, helping women rediscover themselves and live a life that is authentic and fulfilling to them. She works with professional women and new moms in their 30’s, who feel lost and unmotivated, and guides them in finding their motivation, their inspiration, and building a life that they truly love.
For more mindset shifts to get to your fulfilling life, download my FREE Workshop “4 ways to feel inspired by your life again!” Because I know you don’t want to just live, you want to be present and happy while doing so.
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